Oops, I (Subconsciously) Did It Again...

So, I think it's fair to say that now that spring has sprung at last, I've suddenly been going out a lot more with friends old and new of late (hooray for expats.cz!), and yes, admittedly on one or two of those occasions have ended up imbibing one too many glasses of vino than is probably good for me at any one time... Nevertheless, no matter how many glasses / bottles I’ve inadvertently consumed, without exception on each of these occasions I have somehow still always managed to totter faithfully back home again afterwards to Skype chat with my beloved long-distance boyfriend at the end of the night, with the conversation generally ending up with me drunkenly declaring my love for him repeatedly / increasingly emphatically / oh, let's face it - utterly undignifiedly down the phone, before finally collapsing into an alcohol-induced sleep that would rival the dead (most of the time while still on the line with headphones still on head).

All of which is pretty much a long drawn-out way of illustrating that I am and have always been one of life's old-fashioned, traditional types, who would not lightly cheat on my partner or in any way betray the mutual trust that is so vital in successfully maintaining a long-distance relationship over a two year period – and that’s a given, no matter how much alcohol has been consumed over the course of the evening or whatever alternative aspirations may be harboured on the part of any ephemeral male dining / drinking partner...

Which makes it all the more surprising really that, despite all of the above, I seem to be dreaming of unintended infidelity on my part with increasing frequency these days - not in the sense of actually committing the act in question, you understand, but rather experiencing the horrified realization of what I've done only later, and being instantly consumed by overwhelming guilt and remorse for my unintentional and (in the details) unrecollected lapse. I only bring up the subject now, however, as I had a particularly striking dream in this respect the other night, waking (or so I thought) in a state of unadulterated relief that it had all been a dream and I’d not been unfaithful after all, only then to suddenly scream out at the sight of a recent expats acquaintance emerging from the heap of spare blankets and pillows I keep stored in the corner of my little one-room studio apartment. Only having hazy memories in the dream of how I'd gotten home the night before, I couldn't be sure whether this unexpected visitor had, perhaps, simply escorted me back to the apartment and out of chivalry just stopped over on the spare duvets to make sure I didn't choke on my own vomit or something (not that I would ever get this paralytic in real life, btw), or whether the wicked deed had really been done – and in the event I did actually feel genuinely torn as to whether or not I really wanted to know… Strangely enough, this process of apparent waking and sudden realization that I wasn’t alone in the apartment repeated another good two or three times before I finally woke up "properly" to the sound of my alarm clock ringing (unfortunately this time still with residual hangover for real…).

Does this sudden crop of inadvertent adultery dreams mean that I now subconsciously want to slut it all about Prague…? Or does it reflect a waking fear of acting out of character / control once I’ve had a few…? Or is it simply a variation on the usual round of anxiety dreams (missing flights, fucking up at work, relapsing on the smoking front etc etc)? Interpretations on the internet (read "mostly bullshit") varied from wanton sexual deviancy to unfilled personal ambitions blah blah blah, but in my heart of hearts I actually believe such dreams mean precisely the opposite – namely that the horror and guilt experienced on realization at having inadvertently fucked up what has until now been a truly good and trust-based relationship only goes to show how much I value what I currently have and by no means would ever want to jeopardize. Which, thinking about it, makes all the more sense when I consider the all-consuming guilt and repentance I typically experience in waking life on the regrettably frequent occasions I’ve been unjustifiably stroppy, irrational, demanding or just plain bitchy (pretty much all occuring when blood sugar low, but still…) towards my eternally patient and tolerant other half – to me it seems pretty much self-evident that these dreams are simply a reflection of my very real insecurity that, even with the best will in the world, David won’t put up with my involuntary / hunger-induced belligerence forever, and this apparent ever-lasting patience with me may one day run out…

So, if you’re reading this babe, to sum it up - if I dream of accidental infidelity with the gorgeous Robert Pattinson, it’s only because I really only love you… Oh, and please don't dump me because I'm a mardy cow sometimes!!! ;-)))